You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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