A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
