If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
