According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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