she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
im holly from the hills drunk
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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