i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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