you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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