I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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