the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
This show inspires me to have sex in space
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
