you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
