I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
