If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
