spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just pee around me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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