If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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