could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
