Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
