I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I wish there were birth control emojis
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
