i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
