after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
