I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I don't deserve a penis
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
