i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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