I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Two words: nipple clamps
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