he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize