dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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