Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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