She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
