Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
