She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
