There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
