I didn't shave. On purpose
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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