I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
