Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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