Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
