you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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