Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
