I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
