Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
