How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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