Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
