It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
