My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
