The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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