The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
