Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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