I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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