I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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