He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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