Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
