Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Shame is for Republicans.
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