She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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