I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize