2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
