I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
