I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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