My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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