i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
