Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
