I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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