You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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