In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
