chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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